fear

a sensation of dropping down

the snow has melted from the branches

and rushes down to pool

in tears around my feet

i feel alice in wonderland made small

blinking in the bright ambulance lights

sick from oxy and coke

and all things that say eat me

without looking appetizing

when i close my eyes

'i love you' still frozen on my ears

but my body is numb too cold

for too long to ever keep

my brain warm inside again

i wake up in hospital beds

looking up falling into at round holes

in the ceiling that turn into lights

smelling nothing feeling pain

difficult to eat the hospital food

because i don't want to taste it

all i want in my throat

is the metallic bite of cocaine

i fill my mouth with music instead

slowly it feels nice, slowly sensation

returns but everything is forced

nothing is natural i am uncomfortable

with my own thoughts, uncomfortable

with feeling the pain of my body

sensations of new baby leaves

small and green on a tree so fragile

and easily plucked i'm afraid to move

the water at my feet may nourish 

me or it may drown me

a sensation, more pleasant, of melting

into sleep into present moments

into breathing . breathing is

uncomfortable and forced i don't

feel rain but i feel so very cold

i feel alice in wonderland

curious and touching everything

listening to every word and tasting

every taste because when

i was frozen it was like i forgot how

—November 2021, Stanford Hospital, CA