oxy for xmas

scrolling through the cocaine subreddit

snow makes piles outside the car windows

snow piling up in my head

take a sip of the almond milk peppermint latte

bites the back of my throat like drip

arnica gel drying on my back

sticks to the christmas sweater

my muscles still ache, anyway

people kneading dough underneath my skin

all sticky like my thoughts and sweaty

mom is colder than me for the first time this year

she’s getting old and i’m in withdrawl

can’t speedball up here cuz there’s no snow

but christmas eve i found a bottle of prescribed

oxycodone in the silverware drawer

it was a couple years old but it felt so nice

i was anxious coming home but then i died

that’s what i like about drugs

they let you kill part of yourself without all of you

without hurting the people around you

until they kill the good parts of you too

and hurt everyone anyways

i’ve got four white pills in my backpack

every time i take a sip of coffee

i imagine swallowing them and i

imagine dying again, today, on christmas

—December 2021, Poulsbo, WA