america!

we’re at the rodeo

and i see all these american flags

and all these hats on all these chests

and a man with a gun in his mouth

whose mouth has never been empty words or food says

“thank you god for my country! all you thank god too because i am free! and this is a free country! thank god that my gun made everyone free because violence is lord over man!”

and all the gods bow their heads and say amen and return their hats back to their seven heads

and seven horses of the apocalypse ride out and on their backs seven flags

american flags some with red stripes some with blue stripes

bruises and blood on the poll staff spear hands of the white american man

and in the stadium everyone sits down but i stand up

and i put my hat on my chest and i say

“america! thou art not free oh you gods of violence.

america! america ate me out and left me naked at the alter

america kissed my dad with sweet healthcare

america gave only a greencard and little rights

therapist after therapist with perfect english

laughing at his speech behind their eyes

america gave my dad assisted living

america! gave my mother doctor bill after doctor bill until she worked another hour every day

until she was gone before i woke up and back after i was asleep

america took away my bedtime stories 

america! took away my family dinners 

america! took away my family america

took away my security america

made me pray to gods i didn’t believe in in the airport

that xenophobic landfill waiting for him to get shot and misunderstood and shot

every time he needed to get back into the country

america! gave me work and a job in high school

america ate my time like oysters and gurgled my childhood on a silver spoon

america made so many people i knew turn to other silver spoons

america gave me a stanford education and a feeling

of solitude in my poverty america! made me feel even my freedom couldn’t get me out

america gave me anti-depressants and took my money 

america gave me abuse and abandonment and childhood trauma

and disguised it as the american dream

america said i could always dig out of the hole

the hole america built me on years of class difference and xenophobia 

america gave me a pen and paper

america made me a god

and i take my pen and i take a flag

off one of those hellhound horses and i

write between the stripes 

the words of this poem and then under the eyes of all the american gods

i leave the stadium

—August 2021, Santa Fe, NM